Do You Want Some Water?

I love you.

see my problem?

Maybe it hurts so much because it matters. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don’t care, I can feel it on the back of my neck, breathing down my spine:

“You’re lying to yourself.”

If you really loved me you’d compromise what you hold to be of value, because I matter more.

if you really loved me you’d do what I want you to do.

if you really loved me you’d stop making such a big deal about things.

if you really loved me you’d give me what I want.

if you really loved me you’d stop being such a bitch.

if you really loved me you’d apologize for making me angry.

if you really loved me you’d put me first, even above yourself.

if you really loved me you’d let it go, and move on.

if you really loved me you’d let me do what I want with you.

But the thing is that I never really loved you, so I owed you nothing. And I wish I had realized that.

they’re going to have to pick pieces of me out of the twisted metal. Bits of me scattered across a busy highway. Lights on ambulances flash.

No pulse.

No hope.

it doesn’t matter who I was or what I did.

Who love me or who I loved.

They’ll find out who I was. They’ll get a name, not a story. They’ll contact my mother.

Now I am just another accident. Cars full of wide eyed children and gawking adults crane their necks to catch a glimpse.

“Look at all that blood.”

I’ve become a number. A headline in a local paper. A conversation between people who never knew me, and hardly know each other but are trying to make light conversation while standing in line at a grocery.

But none of it matters now. They pack me up and clean up the mess. traffic roadblocks are removed, and life goes on. Scrape the last of me off the ground. And send me off. 

I get out of the shower, and I go to my room. normally I’m not the type to hang around in a towel after I get out of the shower, but tonight I did because I was feeling lazy, so I was just sitting on my bed, in a towel, scrolling through tumblr. Plus I’m feeling especially relaxed after this shower, so I just wanted to enjoy the relaxation fr a minute. after about 5 minutes I finally work up the energy to get up and look for clothes, so I go and lock my door, and proceed on the hunt for some sleep-wear. (The reason I lock my door is because 1. I have brothers in the house, 2. nobody in my house ever thinks to knock before entering a room.)

So I’m still naked, and my mom tries to open the door, and seeing that it’s locks, knocks on the door demanding I unlock the door and let her in. I let her know i’M STIll changing, and I’ll be out in a minute. I asume she has walked away, but then a few seconds later I hear her impatiently knocking on the door again. I tell her once again I’m changing, and that I’ll talk to her once I get out, but she tells me to hurry up, and continues waiting outside the door. This creeps me out, as well as irritates me, and I let her know that, but she still waits outside the door, occasionally rattling the door handle or sighing loudly. (keep in mind this is all happening in a span of about 2 minutes) I ask her what she wants, but she tells me that she just wants to talk to me for a minute.

I finally get clothes on, and I start to brush my hair a bit, when i hear her loudly say : “I could have gotten dressed and re-dressed at least 4 times in the span it’s taking you to get dressed right now.” I open the door angrily, expecting for her to tell me something urgent, or of great importance. but no, she only wanted to ask if I had taken the trash out, and if I hadn’t could i PLEASE DO THAT. 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.