symptoms of failure

I’m giving up my hopes and dreams, to pursue more realistic aspirations. My mother hands me stacks of letters from colleges that I’ll never be good enough to get into, and gives me a frustrated, almost condecnding smile, as if to say: “you aren’t smart enough to get into any of these, but here’s a little tangible reminder in case you forgot.”

As I toss them aside, with a lump in my throat, I know that my failure is her failure too. I may be passing all my classes, but thats not enough. I can’t get into an ivy league, or law school. I’m her biggest regret. My brother on the other hand, makes up for my less than spectacular performance, with his incredible capabilities, and far above average intelligence. He can solve complex problems in his head, and give people exact calculations for any arithmetic problems.

I scored very high IQ points when I was tested a few years ago- “vastly above average,” they said. they also said I was extremely bright, I just don’t apply myself— But that’s just something they tell parents to make them feel like less of a bad parent for breeding a complete and total intellectual dud.

I can draw. My voice can carry a note, and play a few songs on piano I can write an essay or two, sure; no problem… yet I’m obsolete, useless and I feel like not only am I failure to my mother, but to myself… 

despite all of the negativity and disappointed glances I recive, I still can’t help there is something bigger.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have an ambition, a desire- to prove. I may not be able to unravel complex math problems in my head, and unlock all doors toward mathematical endeavors, but I do have a purpose. I have something I need to do. I can’t quit.  I don’t want to be that way. I can do something, and I will do something. and I can change not only  the way people see me, but how I see myself. 

But for now, it doesn’t matter, because the world doesn’t care, and I’ve got to jump in or miss my opportunity.