i hate facebook and the judgmental, hypocritical, sexist, close minded, assholes who live there.

it seems like for a lot of people, things are black and while, and there is a simple explanation and a reasonable response to every feeling, thought, and action. That if you react to something a certain way, that everyone will either “I agree,” or “I disagree but that’s okay.” But I don’t think that way. I don’t think there is an appropriate response to everything, and choosing to express yourself one way or another, should not be met with disregard to your emotions or unadulterated anger or frustration on their part. Everyone deserves to have their opinions heard and validated. nobody should feel as though they have no right to express their feelings, just because people may not like it, or its un-popular opinion, or it was a poorly executed explanation. 

I don’t know if i’m making sense because it is four in the morning. but bottom line is, that its okay to express your opinions, and as long as you are expressing your opinion with the forethought and consideration that other people might not share a similar opinion on those things.


and you know what? That’s okay.

On changes for someone else

my longest relationship was 3 months short of a year. I don’t hate him, but I hate who I was when I was with him. My current relationship is different. I am who I am with him.

You should never feel the need to compromise what you hold valuable in order to make someone else happy. Don’t get me wrong. chaning and growing up and trying new things to discover yourself and find a path that makes you happy in life is goodChange is good.

But changing for someone else only brings misery, and with misery comes grief and resentment, And finally, the paralyzing feeling that you’ve lost yourself, and that you can never return to how you once were. 

It’s a terrible thing to look in the mirror and truly not recognize the person staring back at you. And I don’t ever want to feel that way again. If you only love me for who you think I might become, or who you want me to be, then you are wasting my time, as well as your own. If you love me only in the good times, then don’t bother with me. I am like a maze where all of the walls are continually changing, and I need to be able to be who I am, good or bad, convenient or inconvenient, day or night. 

most importantly, it’s okay to be who you are. Remember that.

so basically I basically sat on a couch and watched Shrek for 3 hours and got paid 30 bucks. I love babysitting for rich families.

I don’t want to go back to school, I don’t like it. I feel like I shouldn’t be there, and that there are things I could/should be doing. 

I also can’t stop thinking about things I know I have no control over. I want to just ask, and get it out there, but at the same time, I dont want to seem like I am trying to hurt anyone. Thats not really my goal— to hurt people, but I seem to do that often regardless. Its just times like these I wish someone would just take my hand and tell me it will be alright, even if it won’t be. 

at least I have my silly little projects I work on to keep myself busy as I drag myself through my remaining months in hell.

bye.

New years irresolution

I hate all these people talking about “2013 is gonna be my year, baby!” I like the optimism, but its so irritating.  nothing about today changes anything. you’ll tell yourself you will do something, and that this year it will all be different.

New year, new you?

Nah.

reality is we all know its all a facade. 2 weeks later you’re back to your same routine. You forget all about that low-carb diet, that gym membership; that promise you made to call your mom at least once a week, to change your underwear at least every three days… And you find yourself living the same life you always have. I used to like the idea of “new years resolutions” until they turned into “things- I-half-heartlessly-told-my-self-I-was-going-to-do,-not-really-intending-to-actually-do-it.” If they were things you really planned on doing, you wouldn’t wait until new years.

Whatever, some people actually stick to their new years resolutions, that 0.005% who have that moment where choirs of angels descend from heaven with trumpets and fairy dust and tell him in harmonic voices that he needs to change his ways or he might become the scrooge of New Years past, present, and future. And when he’s done crapping his pants, he figures he has to make a change. But the rest of us will give up. it’s human nature to change, but not at will. Because we usually like the way we are, to some degree, and a gravitation away from that routine we so loyally cling to in our day-to-day lives may cause an internal rift in the space-time continuum, and upset the very stabilization and equilibrium of our lives! So do yourself a favor. Don’t make impossible to reach resolutions, start small.

Go you.

symptoms of failure

I’m giving up my hopes and dreams, to pursue more realistic aspirations. My mother hands me stacks of letters from colleges that I’ll never be good enough to get into, and gives me a frustrated, almost condecnding smile, as if to say: “you aren’t smart enough to get into any of these, but here’s a little tangible reminder in case you forgot.”

As I toss them aside, with a lump in my throat, I know that my failure is her failure too. I may be passing all my classes, but thats not enough. I can’t get into an ivy league, or law school. I’m her biggest regret. My brother on the other hand, makes up for my less than spectacular performance, with his incredible capabilities, and far above average intelligence. He can solve complex problems in his head, and give people exact calculations for any arithmetic problems.

I scored very high IQ points when I was tested a few years ago- “vastly above average,” they said. they also said I was extremely bright, I just don’t apply myself— But that’s just something they tell parents to make them feel like less of a bad parent for breeding a complete and total intellectual dud.

I can draw. My voice can carry a note, and play a few songs on piano I can write an essay or two, sure; no problem… yet I’m obsolete, useless and I feel like not only am I failure to my mother, but to myself… 

despite all of the negativity and disappointed glances I recive, I still can’t help there is something bigger.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have an ambition, a desire- to prove. I may not be able to unravel complex math problems in my head, and unlock all doors toward mathematical endeavors, but I do have a purpose. I have something I need to do. I can’t quit.  I don’t want to be that way. I can do something, and I will do something. and I can change not only  the way people see me, but how I see myself. 

But for now, it doesn’t matter, because the world doesn’t care, and I’ve got to jump in or miss my opportunity.

I feel like I just don’t belong here. No matter where I am. I don’t belong. I don’t belong amongst these kids at my school, who think they are so tough and clever, and they feel like scince they have broken up with a person or two that they know what it feels to experience true heartbreak… the heartbreak of insignificance… of indifference. Maybe they have… 

While My dad was screaming and my mother was crying, I felt solace in the few moments I had to myself. I’ve been handed everthing to me, and I have no room for complaints, yet in every situation I’m put into- I feel like I’m sacrificing a part of me. I feel as though I have no place in this life, and I admit to considering other options..

a social butterfly- charmingly awkward, they said, yet they don’t see that I try so hard to Belong somewhere… but I never ever do.

to answer the question I often ask myself, “where am I going?” it’s times like these that I find myself answering: “no where” 

anyway. whatever…

rant…

“I fake smiles and try to get through it hold back tears, I cover up the pain and I tuck away all the hurt-“

blah, blah, blah.

I hate to be insensitive, but everyone hurts sometimes, and then when you can’t take it anymore, and you’re feeling pain to the point of questioning the merit of your very existence, and you’re wondering why nobody’s there to help you through it, and why nobody understands… Let me help you.

If you don’t tell anybody you’re hurting, they can’t help. How will you know if they might just have the perfect things to say? You wouldn’t. Nobody reads minds, and if they claim to be able to, they are probably charging upfront fees to tell you what you already know.

I just don’t understand people who do this….