When I was 13 years old I was insecure about how I looked. I was tall for my age, and I had a strange hormonal imbalance at the time that caused my under-arms to sweat profusely. Because I was already insecure about my body, I decided that wearing a thick, heavy jacket year round would serve both the purpose of hiding my perceived physical imperfections, as well as my sweat problem. The jacket didn’t solve my problems though. I was teased for never taking off my jacket, even in classes like p.e., and it made me miserable. I would cry every day before school begging my mother not to make me go. I would purposefully sit closer to classmates who sniffled and sneezed with colds, in hopes of catching their sickness myself and thereby getting to stay home, if only for a few days.

Soon the insecurity spead like wildfire and I eventually began wearing my hair up in a tight, unflattering pony- tail everyday along with my thick, heavy jacket. I refused to take my hair down, even at home. I felt ugly and unloveable. I avoided mirrors and any reflective surfaces at all costs. And while my friends were getting boyfriends, and growing breasts, and wearing makeup and shopping in the women’s section of stores, rather than the girl’s, I felt completely and utterally alone. i spent most of my nights crying and praying for a miracle… And if a miracle wasn’t possible, I prayed for death.

I recall one instance where I realized how cruel kids can be. one day I went into the girls bathroom, and forced myself to look into a mirror to fix my mangled and greasy hair. I had been yanking and pulling at my hair for a little while, trying to tame it, when a pretty girl walked into the bathroom. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and batted her eyes at herself in the mirror in self-admiration. Then she turned to me, looked me over, watching me struggle with my stringy, flat hair for a moment, and said with a cruel smirk: “don’t even try, it will look ugly no matter what.”

I soaked my pillow with tears from the moment I got home tithe next day, when I had to pour myself out of bed, rub my red, raw eyes and head off to another day in hell.

I guess I am a house wherein some rooms are darker than others— much darker.

people sit around and ask about my future, as they take a long sip from their glass, never taking their eyes off my face, watching me scramble through my thoughts to provide an acceptable answer. Nothing comes to mind so I tell them what they want to hear. Education, job, career. 

They smile insincerely at my timid response. 

Oh, its frustrating because I know exactly how I feel about you.

I feel so alone.

I feel like i’m not making progress, that I’m not going anywhere. I wonder what its like to wake up in the morning and know that someone loves you. Someone who’s not your mom, or your brother, or sister, but someone who has every right not to love you, and has no reason to care, but does anyway. 

I want to crawl into a hole and die

nobody would miss me anyway.

so basically I basically sat on a couch and watched Shrek for 3 hours and got paid 30 bucks. I love babysitting for rich families.

I don’t want to go back to school, I don’t like it. I feel like I shouldn’t be there, and that there are things I could/should be doing. 

I also can’t stop thinking about things I know I have no control over. I want to just ask, and get it out there, but at the same time, I dont want to seem like I am trying to hurt anyone. Thats not really my goal— to hurt people, but I seem to do that often regardless. Its just times like these I wish someone would just take my hand and tell me it will be alright, even if it won’t be. 

at least I have my silly little projects I work on to keep myself busy as I drag myself through my remaining months in hell.

bye.

I HATE WAITING FOR THINGS JEEZ…

i know I should eat something, but I don’t really want to. I’m just going to not, and tell everyone I did.

sometimes I just want to outright ask people if I’m ugly, but I’m so scared of the answer, I dont think my heart could take it ._. 

New years irresolution

I hate all these people talking about “2013 is gonna be my year, baby!” I like the optimism, but its so irritating.  nothing about today changes anything. you’ll tell yourself you will do something, and that this year it will all be different.

New year, new you?

Nah.

reality is we all know its all a facade. 2 weeks later you’re back to your same routine. You forget all about that low-carb diet, that gym membership; that promise you made to call your mom at least once a week, to change your underwear at least every three days… And you find yourself living the same life you always have. I used to like the idea of “new years resolutions” until they turned into “things- I-half-heartlessly-told-my-self-I-was-going-to-do,-not-really-intending-to-actually-do-it.” If they were things you really planned on doing, you wouldn’t wait until new years.

Whatever, some people actually stick to their new years resolutions, that 0.005% who have that moment where choirs of angels descend from heaven with trumpets and fairy dust and tell him in harmonic voices that he needs to change his ways or he might become the scrooge of New Years past, present, and future. And when he’s done crapping his pants, he figures he has to make a change. But the rest of us will give up. it’s human nature to change, but not at will. Because we usually like the way we are, to some degree, and a gravitation away from that routine we so loyally cling to in our day-to-day lives may cause an internal rift in the space-time continuum, and upset the very stabilization and equilibrium of our lives! So do yourself a favor. Don’t make impossible to reach resolutions, start small.

Go you.

NOBODY ASKS ME TO FORMAL ANYWAYS!!! And I’m not about to beg someone to go with me. I don’t even wan to go anyways… :/