Maybe it hurts so much because it matters. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don’t care, I can feel it on the back of my neck, breathing down my spine:
“You’re lying to yourself.”
Yeah I wasn’t gonna say anything about it, but yeah. That thing we did today. Pretty intense feels. Doesn’t change the fact that I hate 95% of you, but the 5% I do care about— I care about you big.
I thought I would only get 3 or 4, but I got so much more than that. And it’s not really about the number, Some of the things people said to me were so kind, and heartfelt. and I could see emotion in their eyes. and some people i couldn’t even look in their eyes because I knew I would get choked up or some stupid crap like that.
for some people my hands were shaking as I tied them around their wrists, and I could barely get words out because there was so much I could say but nothing would come out right… anyway. I don’t know. I guess being with people for 4 years you really get to know them, and grow attached.
Most people, I could deal with not seeing every day, but a few people, it’s gonna be rough I guess.
On changes for someone else
my longest relationship was 3 months short of a year. I don’t hate him, but I hate who I was when I was with him. My current relationship is different. I am who I am with him.
You should never feel the need to compromise what you hold valuable in order to make someone else happy. Don’t get me wrong. chaning and growing up and trying new things to discover yourself and find a path that makes you happy in life is good. Change is good.
But changing for someone else only brings misery, and with misery comes grief and resentment, And finally, the paralyzing feeling that you’ve lost yourself, and that you can never return to how you once were.
It’s a terrible thing to look in the mirror and truly not recognize the person staring back at you. And I don’t ever want to feel that way again. If you only love me for who you think I might become, or who you want me to be, then you are wasting my time, as well as your own. If you love me only in the good times, then don’t bother with me. I am like a maze where all of the walls are continually changing, and I need to be able to be who I am, good or bad, convenient or inconvenient, day or night.
most importantly, it’s okay to be who you are. Remember that.
Things you are not:
March 2, 2013
You are not a wall to be decorated by someone else
Or a box to be filled with useless things.
You are not an empty space where they put things they don’t need anymore.
You are not a page to be written on by someone who doesn’t understand,
You are not a script written by someone who couldn’t understand.
You are not a demand
Or a line
You are not another step leading nowhere
You are not a burden to be shaken off.
You are not a last resort,
Or the question mark at the end of a sentence.
You are not a just another brick in the endless wall of life
Or a bridge for others to step on
You are not a word
You are not a definition
You do not have to change for others
You are not who you were
You are not who you might have been
You are not who they say you are
You are not who they want you to be
You are who you choose to be.
And you are enough.
really strange
the more I think about it, the more it freaks me out. that my body automatically moves to you, its like an reflexive impulse, and my legs move on their own towards you, and it feels like all of my cells are magnetized and you’re a magnet. It scares me, but I can’t resist it.
symptoms of failure
I’m giving up my hopes and dreams, to pursue more realistic aspirations. My mother hands me stacks of letters from colleges that I’ll never be good enough to get into, and gives me a frustrated, almost condecnding smile, as if to say: “you aren’t smart enough to get into any of these, but here’s a little tangible reminder in case you forgot.”
As I toss them aside, with a lump in my throat, I know that my failure is her failure too. I may be passing all my classes, but thats not enough. I can’t get into an ivy league, or law school. I’m her biggest regret. My brother on the other hand, makes up for my less than spectacular performance, with his incredible capabilities, and far above average intelligence. He can solve complex problems in his head, and give people exact calculations for any arithmetic problems.
I scored very high IQ points when I was tested a few years ago- “vastly above average,” they said. they also said I was extremely bright, I just don’t apply myself— But that’s just something they tell parents to make them feel like less of a bad parent for breeding a complete and total intellectual dud.
I can draw. My voice can carry a note, and play a few songs on piano I can write an essay or two, sure; no problem… yet I’m obsolete, useless and I feel like not only am I failure to my mother, but to myself…
despite all of the negativity and disappointed glances I recive, I still can’t help there is something bigger.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I have an ambition, a desire- to prove. I may not be able to unravel complex math problems in my head, and unlock all doors toward mathematical endeavors, but I do have a purpose. I have something I need to do. I can’t quit. I don’t want to be that way. I can do something, and I will do something. and I can change not only the way people see me, but how I see myself.
But for now, it doesn’t matter, because the world doesn’t care, and I’ve got to jump in or miss my opportunity.
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
