I messaged him today

just to see if he’d respond. I havent talked to him in years, not since what happened. I scrolled back at our old messages, and all those emotions I’d felt at the time rushed back into my mind. Holding my breath.

I remember going to the river with him and my family and how weird I thought it was going to be.

how we sat on the benches and talked and he kept saying how pretty I was, and that I had such cute hands.

I remember he tried to get me to dance with him but I felt embarrassed and refused, but he convinced me somehow.

I remember how I felt when he abruptly stopped talking to me.

I remember collapsing onto my bed crying, because yet another birthday was spent in tears.

We talked for a few minutes but it felt weird and wrong so I stopped. nothing more to say.

I found this photo of that day, standing next to my brother

You want to know why we’re “lazy” ? You want to know why we lack motivation? its because we don’t buy into this distorted system of work until you die. I don’t know about you but I want to live, not wake up every morning to go to some mindless job and make someone else rich and then be expected to be thankful for the opportunity to do so, working jobs I hate so I can buy crap I don’t need. We are the middle children of history with no purpose or place, we have no great war; no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives… Closed minded people who have the audacity to refer to themselves as adults, talk freely about how AWFUL, LAZY, STUPID and SELFISH my generation is, causes those of us who are in the midst of change to be stifled and silenced because the assumption is that nobody from my generation can POSSIBLY have anything worth while to say. So if you want to sit up on your high horse and cower in the face of change, all while turning up your nose at me because you think I’m not worth your time, then fine. But don’t you dare forget who raised us.

"Like, damn."

Me, expressing all ranges of emotion

Maybe it hurts so much because it matters. No matter how many times I tell myself that I don’t care, I can feel it on the back of my neck, breathing down my spine:

"You’re lying to yourself."

Yeah I wasn’t gonna say anything about it, but yeah. That thing we did today. Pretty intense feels. Doesn’t change the fact that I hate 95% of you, but the 5% I do care about— I care about you big. 
I thought I would only get 3 or 4, but I got so much more than that. And it’s not really about the number, Some of the things people said to me were so kind, and heartfelt. and I could see emotion in their eyes. and some people i couldn’t even look in their eyes because I knew I would get choked up or some stupid crap like that.
for some people my hands were shaking as I tied them around their wrists, and I could barely get words out because there was so much I could say but nothing would come out right… anyway. I don’t know. I guess being with people for 4 years you really get to know them, and grow attached. 
Most people, I could deal with not seeing every day, but a few people, it’s gonna be rough I guess. 

Yeah I wasn’t gonna say anything about it, but yeah. That thing we did today. Pretty intense feels. Doesn’t change the fact that I hate 95% of you, but the 5% I do care about— I care about you big

I thought I would only get 3 or 4, but I got so much more than that. And it’s not really about the number, Some of the things people said to me were so kind, and heartfelt. and I could see emotion in their eyes. and some people i couldn’t even look in their eyes because I knew I would get choked up or some stupid crap like that.

for some people my hands were shaking as I tied them around their wrists, and I could barely get words out because there was so much I could say but nothing would come out right… anyway. I don’t know. I guess being with people for 4 years you really get to know them, and grow attached. 

Most people, I could deal with not seeing every day, but a few people, it’s gonna be rough I guess. 

On changes for someone else

my longest relationship was 3 months short of a year. I don’t hate him, but I hate who I was when I was with him. My current relationship is different. I am who I am with him.

You should never feel the need to compromise what you hold valuable in order to make someone else happy. Don’t get me wrong. chaning and growing up and trying new things to discover yourself and find a path that makes you happy in life is goodChange is good.

But changing for someone else only brings misery, and with misery comes grief and resentment, And finally, the paralyzing feeling that you’ve lost yourself, and that you can never return to how you once were. 

It’s a terrible thing to look in the mirror and truly not recognize the person staring back at you. And I don’t ever want to feel that way again. If you only love me for who you think I might become, or who you want me to be, then you are wasting my time, as well as your own. If you love me only in the good times, then don’t bother with me. I am like a maze where all of the walls are continually changing, and I need to be able to be who I am, good or bad, convenient or inconvenient, day or night. 

most importantly, it’s okay to be who you are. Remember that.

Things you are not:

March 2, 2013

You are not a wall to be decorated by someone else

Or a box to be filled with useless things.

You are not an empty space where they put things they don’t need anymore.

You are not a page to be written on by someone who doesn’t understand,

You are not a script written by someone who couldn’t understand.

You are not a demand

Or a line

You are not another step leading nowhere

You are not a burden to be shaken off.

You are not a last resort,

Or the question mark at the end of a sentence.

You are not a just another brick in the endless wall of life

Or a bridge for others to step on

You are not a word

You are not a definition

You do not have to change for others

You are not who you were

You are not who you might have been

You are not who they say you are

You are not who they want you to be

You are who you choose to be.

And you are enough.

really strange

the more I think about it, the more it freaks me out. that my body automatically moves to you, its like an reflexive impulse, and my legs move on their own towards you, and it feels like all of my cells are magnetized and you’re a magnet. It scares me, but I can’t resist it.

symptoms of failure

I’m giving up my hopes and dreams, to pursue more realistic aspirations. My mother hands me stacks of letters from colleges that I’ll never be good enough to get into, and gives me a frustrated, almost condecnding smile, as if to say: “you aren’t smart enough to get into any of these, but here’s a little tangible reminder in case you forgot.”

As I toss them aside, with a lump in my throat, I know that my failure is her failure too. I may be passing all my classes, but thats not enough. I can’t get into an ivy league, or law school. I’m her biggest regret. My brother on the other hand, makes up for my less than spectacular performance, with his incredible capabilities, and far above average intelligence. He can solve complex problems in his head, and give people exact calculations for any arithmetic problems.

I scored very high IQ points when I was tested a few years ago- “vastly above average,” they said. they also said I was extremely bright, I just don’t apply myself— But that’s just something they tell parents to make them feel like less of a bad parent for breeding a complete and total intellectual dud.

I can draw. My voice can carry a note, and play a few songs on piano I can write an essay or two, sure; no problem… yet I’m obsolete, useless and I feel like not only am I failure to my mother, but to myself… 

despite all of the negativity and disappointed glances I recive, I still can’t help there is something bigger.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I have an ambition, a desire- to prove. I may not be able to unravel complex math problems in my head, and unlock all doors toward mathematical endeavors, but I do have a purpose. I have something I need to do. I can’t quit.  I don’t want to be that way. I can do something, and I will do something. and I can change not only  the way people see me, but how I see myself. 

But for now, it doesn’t matter, because the world doesn’t care, and I’ve got to jump in or miss my opportunity.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡